March 14, 2009

35 Down

I needed to post something to bump that overwrought mess of pretentious filth down the page a bit. Luckily, it's my birthday, so let that suffice as an excuse to interrupt your regularly scheduled ration of dead air. You know, as a special treat for those of you who give a shit. (Show of hands? Oh, right: nobody.)

Last time I spewed incoherent rubbish in this space, I said something about numerological significance. Well, I've been passing myself off as a functioning human being for a full 35 years now, and while those digits lack the trailing zero that usually denotes a milestone of aging, they nevertheless carry a certain weight. They do for me, at any rate.

I know what you're thinking: "Here comes another loud cloud of hot fart dressed up in laughably florid poeticisms." Well, bite me, because instead I'm going to break out that now omnipresent web content crutch: the bulleted list.

You want to know why I feel ancient in my mid-thirties? Well, you'll have to come by with some booze and a hankering to hear a lot of self-obsessed pissing and moaning. In lieu of an actual goddamn conversation, or a genuinely meaningful explanation, here's a list of stuff that hadn't come about when I was born in 1974.
  • The Internet
  • Nixon's resignation
  • Touch-tone phones
  • The Walkman
  • Home computers
  • The Rubik's Cube
  • Cable TV, the VCR, the Compact Disc, the DVD, the MP3, e-books, etc.
  • Simon, which you may recall was originally the size of a goddamn coffee table, and now comes on a key chain
  • Text adventures
  • The reunification of Germany
  • Video game consoles
  • Cell phones, camcorders, digital cameras, and GPS units
Get this: I went to the library to research school papers. They had something called a "card catalogue."

Normally I'd take this opportunity to go off on a rambling diatribe about how the ability to occasionally string a coherent sentence together is now valued roughly on par with gum disease, but it's my birthday, so you'll just have to use your imagination.

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